Fresh & Funny Tweets For People With Short Attention Spans

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Aug 4, 2020 1:00 PM EDT

We've got to hand it to the comedy geniuses of Twitter. They manage to pack serious humor within that 280 character restriction. But good tweets are hard to locate in that sea of horrible political takes. So we've grabbed the funny stuff and left the tweets that make us want to sign off from the internet forever. Enjoy!

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  • 01
    Text - 16-bit @16bit_bulbasaur me: i'm terrified of snakes therapist: it's normal to suffer from this kind of hys- me: [panicking] did u fucken hear that 12:48 PM · 2020-08-02 · Twitter for Android
    via ohvalleyofplenty
  • 02
    Text - Michael P Brennan @BrennanMichaelP Me: Can I give you some constructive criticism? That bridge you built sucks. Construction Worker: *sheds a single tear* 6:59 PM · 2020-07-30 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 03
    Text - #BLM William U Gentleman Overlord @wgkcss How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they're an efficient people and not particularly funny. 3:44 PM · 2020-04-19 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 04
    Text - SMadimoiselles @drivingmemadi therapist: you mentioned being ostracized as a child? me: sometimes i still feel the pain of that ostrich circumcising me therapist: hold on 9:29 PM · 2020-07-26 · Twitter for iPhone 116 Retweets and comments 1,108 Likes
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  • 05
    Text - 16-bit @16bit_bulbasaur therapist: so what ur saying is that u feel like the world is "on ur shoulders" atlas: can u not see it 11:07 AM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for Android 286 Retweets and comments 2,705 Likes
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  • 06
    Text - floptimus prime thinks you should be... v @FireBeets are you https cause :// 7:38 PM · 2020-06-14 · Twitter for iPhone 129 Retweets 450 Likes
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  • 07
    Text - SMadimoisellek @drivingmemadi Me: One day you will inherit all of these priceless heirlooms My dumbass kid: These are vape pens Me: They're the family juuls 10:37 PM · 2020-07-18 · Twitter for iPhone 1,471 Retweets and comments 11.6K Likes
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  • 08
    Text - Mandi Sommer @SommerofMandi WhY aRe WoMeN sO aNgRy? We have no pockets to store our rage in. Idiot. 4:12 PM · 2020-07-30 · Twitter for iPhone 240 Retweets and comments 821 Likes
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  • 09
    Text - SMadimoiselle @drivingmemadi idk why people need glasses just pop your eyeballs out and windex them real quick 10:50 PM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 10
    Text - Mandi Sommer @SommerofMandi No but seriously, how do you pluralize filet-o-fish? 1:56 PM · 2020-07-27 · Twitter for iPhone 223 Retweets and comments 779 Likes
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  • 11
    Text - hot Potato(e) Jay @tweetandpotatos Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean afternoon naps at your desk. 12:15 PM · 2019-09-23 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 12
    Text - Priscilla @itsPKav what's the dumbest thing that's ever been mansplained to you? mine is one time I was driving and my husband let me know our home was "up ahead on the left." 11:32 AM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for iPhone 8,900 Retweets and comments 147K Likes
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  • 13
    Text - Mandi Sommer @SommerofMandi Beards are men's version of makeup, I will take no arguments about this. 2:08 PM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for iPhone 117 Retweets and comments 484 Likes
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  • 14
    Text - Freakachu s @FreakOnline The boys when they see any man get hit in the balls. 5:46 AM · 2020-07-29 · Twitter for iPhone 119 Retweets and comments 462 Likes
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  • 15
    Text - Freakachu @FreakOnline Me: "Omg, he's so cute! Pspspsps! Come here! Pspspsps!" Best friend: [humiliated] "That only works on your cat, not boys at the bar." 9:24 PM · 2020-07-07 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 16
    Text - David666 @Davidxyz66 Thate Christmas time. It worries me that a fat bloke walks into my kids bedroom and empties his sack on the floor 10:41 AM · 2020-08-02 · Twitter for Android
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  • 17
    Text - Nostradumbass, @The_Albinoshrek Wonder Bread: Will I be used for a ham sandwich or pb&j. No no I hope it's grilled cheese. 12:50 PM · 2020-07-16 · Twitter for Android
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  • 18
    Text - noodle grip @noodlegrip [before axes were invented] Guy following a beaver: c'mon man, last time I promise 2:08 PM · 2020-07-31 · Twitter Web App 101 Retweets and comments 422 Likes
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  • 19
    Text - C.H.U.D.ney Spears @chudneyspears One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know? 8:51 PM · 2020-07-08 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Text - Kakashi Hatake Follow @copycatninken I have to give myself the biggest pep talk to get into the shower and then another one to get out of the shower and honestly it's too much for my weak mind, just set me free in the wilderness and let the wolves take me 6:46 PM - 21 Jan 2020 2 Retweets 9 Likes 2 27 2
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  • 21
    Text - Barry BeNiceButNotSicklyNice @barryjohnharper Oh, you're a stoner? Name every stone. 3:11 PM · 2020-07-30 · Twitter for Android
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  • 22
    Text - mo @chuuew [winnie the pooh googling "honeymoon" before first NASA mission] Oh bother 9:04 AM · 2020-07-27 · Twitter for Android 82 Retweets 461 Likes
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  • 23
    Text - mo @chuuew ME: Oh no I snapped my chopstick WIFE:I don't know why you dont just use toilet paper 6:33 PM · 2020-07-29 · Twitter for Android
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  • 24
    Text - mo @chuuew [gets anchor tattoo removed] Oh dear [slowly floats towards the sun] 9:05 AM · 2018-02-05 · Twitter for Android 2,039 Retweets and comments 6,811 Likes
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  • 25
    Text - mo @chuuew SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner? ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that's not a proper meal 11:12 AM · 2019-08-29 · Twitter for Android 490 Retweets and comments 3,174 Likes
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  • 26
    Text - incorrigible mozart goose @_jazzghost_ Tomorrow is August 1st of March 2020. It will be the same as every other day. 11:04 AM · 2020-07-31 · Twitter Web App 36.2K Retweets and comments 259K Likes
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  • 27
    Text - Brynnester @brynnester Grim Reaper: T have come for you Grim Reaper's Wife: You don't have to say that every time we do it 6:34 PM · 2020-07-29 · Twitter for iPhone 64 Retweets and comments 319 Likes
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  • 28
    Text - 2k Followers @heather_70_Lynn When you Excel, they spreadsheet about you!! 8:49 AM · 2020-07-31 · Twitter for Android 195 Retweets and comments 559 Likes
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  • 29
    Text - someweirdpointlessgirl. @minkpinkustink the human body is just amazing like how cool is it that I can fit way more food in my mouth when I'm sad 8:04 PM · 2020-07-30 · Twitter Web App
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  • 30
    Adaptation - blake @jalapeno_pants absolutely infuriated by how large pizza grows if it's not properly harvested 11:18 PM · 2020-07-28 · Twitter for Android 17.9K Retweets and comments 170K Likes
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  • 31
    Text - Clify @FuniBob Great power: That was nice, was it good for you? Great responsibility: Of course bb 10:20 PM · 2020-07-31 · Twitter for Android 129 Retweets and comments 344 Likes
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  • 32
    Text - Mal @TheRealPalMal Autocorrect changed "I'll make better tweets" to "I'll bake better tweets" so now I suspect my tweets are also | cake. 2:23 PM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 33
    Text - beans after dark after dark @goo... · 6h hey @hotpockets can I have a free shirt or maybe some shorts, I'll give you a kiss in exchange 6 275 861 Hot Pockets @hotpockets Replying to @goodbeanaltalt kiss first then we'll discuss 2:37 PM · 7/30/20 · Twitter Web App 12 Retweets and comments 744 Likes
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  • 34
    Text - beans after dark after dark @goo... · 1h *smooch smooch* tell me what you like..... Hot Pockets @hotpockets · 6h Replying to @goodbeanaltalt kiss first then we'll discuss 8 276 628 beans after dark after dark @goo... · 1h Did I ruin this did I make it awkward 271 407 Hot Pockets @hotpockets Replying to @goodbeanaltalt no it's working 8:39 PM - 7/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone 1 Retweet 96 Likes
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  • 35
    Text - 8:44 1 Hot Pockets @hotpockets hey beans we'll send you a shirt when we get back in the office as a token of love 8:39 PM Yo what's up LETS GOO0O00 Can we kiss again 8:40 PM / 8:40 PM 8:40 PM /
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  • 36
    Text - phil @PhilJamesson my mental state is: if u give me a hug for too long i will start crying
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  • 37
    Text - ? @kydrotoo bro i eat one meal a day at 4pm don't ask me if im ok 10:17 AM - 7/13/20 · Twitter for Android 42.7K Retweets and comments 144K Likes
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  • 38
    Text - DeMarxist DerozAnarchist @ClayHartedGhoul People with ADHD be like "I know a spot" and then start googling who the leader of Uruguay was in 1978 9:40 PM · 7/1/20 · Twitter for iPhone 19.3K Retweets 103K Likes
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